Connections: Couple's Edition!
Revisiting the conversations that make or break change
Today, I’m going to recycle one of the first newsletters I did. I’ve had a couple of conversations recently about how marriage is supposed to “just happen” in retirement. One person talked about how they were on the same page with their spouse with saving and spending in general for their entire marriage, but once spending the retirement nest egg came up, it was clear not only the page, but the entire book had changed. The other person talked about how vague plans of “travel” in retirement meant entirely different things to each of them after they got down to brass tacks. As I said in this newsletter last year, retirement is change and change is HARD on any institution, no matter how solid it is. And, pretty much no matter what, it doesn’t “just happen.” I’ve added a couple of notes based on my interactions in the last year, but here’s that newsletter - mostly in its entirety. Enjoy (again)!
It doesn’t “just happen”
So, you’re starting to get the hang of planning this Third Act thing. It’s kinda fun. You’ve surfed the web and searched your soul and you have a vision forming of what your story will be. You know where you will live who will be part of your act (friends and family, and don’t forget the 5 cats) and you’ve got the basic idea of how you’ll keep your social scene active and how you’ll live your purpose. Excellent!
Now, remember that guy that’s there for better or worse? Oh, yeah. Old Herb. I wonder how he’s going to like the fact that you and Sally are going to open a beauty shop in his study? Well! Not to worry! Old Herb has no intention of using that study. He has done his Third Act homework, too. And, he’s decided he’d be more financially comfortable living in Vietnam. Not to mention the fact that it’s got so much culture and adventure, it’s sure to bring him the exciting life he’s always wanted for his Third Act!
Hmmm… We have a problem, don’t we? Unless Sally is moving to Vietnam with you to open that beauty shop, you and Old Herb may have to have a talk.
The fact is that this Third Act is a change. And change, in any institution, including marriage, must be managed or it can really break things. Even subtle differences in expectations may be the crack that splits things wide open. Please, well before your curtain goes up on your Third Act, talk with Old Herb, and do it in some detail.
Start with your vision of your dream retirement
Here’s a copy of my 5 year roadmap. Some of you already have this. Break it out and actually fill it in.
Both you and your significant other should do this exercise. Work especially on the vision, but fill in all of the other areas as well. My recommendation is that each of you fill in your milestones separately first. That way everyone gets an equal voice when you compare notes. When both of you have your vision and your roadmap done, get together and compare notes. Set aside time more than once to look things over and discuss them - probably at least a week or two apart. You probably won’t be completely sympatico when you first show each other your roadmaps. You’ll need some time to think about what the other person’s expectations are and start seeing if you can work some of that into your vision, too. Now is the time to start talking about compromise, and the time to get excited about the great adventures each of you envisions! There can and should be places where you go one way and Herb goes another. You don’t have to have the same hobbies, for instance, or the even the same travel plans if you like solo travel or travel with friends. But if you want a mansion in Alabama and he wants a hut in Vietnam, you’ll probably have a few things to discuss.
Discuss your Financials
Based on your vision, and Herb’s, what does the budget look like? Will you have to scrimp some places so you can splurge in others? Are you in agreement where your splurge budget will be? Or will you each need a little mad money to make your dreams come true? Do you want to pass some of the nestegg down to the next generation? What does that look like? If you’re coming in for a landing in retirement, your risk tolerance may change for your portfolio investments. If Herb’s always been a risk taker and you’re the conservative one (or vice versa) have that conversation now. Is one of you comfortable carrying debt into retirement but it freaks the other one out? There’s a topic for you to discuss! On top of ALL of that, there are multiple strategies on when and how to file for Social Security as a married couple. Are you guys on the same page? Financial planners can be super helpful when it comes to these conversations if they are too emotional to have on your own.
Discuss your social life
You’ve had a great circle of friends for years. You go to coffee with them and attend their children’s baby showers and Wine Wednesday with them has been a life saver for you more than once. How about Herb? Has his circle of friends mostly been colleagues and employees? Is he expecting to be part of your Wine Wednesday in retirement? Or is he just expecting you to skip all of that because now he’s there, so who else do you need? How about you, Herb? Are you anticipating hours of golf and reading and just hanging out in the backyard? Or are you envisioning you and your friends hanging out with Suzie and her friends? Oh! I bet you never contemplated this, but, does she want to come fishing with you and your buddies? Yikes! Discuss how you will spend your social time.
What will you do with your leisure time and how much of it will you spend together?
Suzie may be thinking about gardening and Bunko nights as the perfect leisure activity, while, Herb, you might be more interested in weekends away and visiting family. One of you isn’t right and the other wrong. You’re going to have to find your place in her world and she’s going to have to find her place in yours. Oh, and just because you’ve already figured out what your spouse’s place is in your world, doesn’t mean they agree. It’s awesome that you will have more time for each other, but, yes, there is such thing as too much time and that threshold may be different for each of you. One of you may envision spending all your time together and doing everything as a couple while the other may desire time alone for reading or participating in solo projects and activities. Discuss how much time you’ll spend together and how much alone time you’ll need. It can also help if you establish a “territory” within your home for each of you - a man/woman cave, if you will. That way, when it gets to be too much, there is a retreat available.
Air out the drudgery
This won’t be a fun conversation, but it could make or break that divorce lawyer’s year. Now that you’re both home full time, who does the dishes? This can be especially hard if one of you retired first and picked up a lot of the household chores. Suzie may feel like she has earned a retirement that is free from any more work, without considering that means Herb, who retired first and took on the household chores will effectively never retire. If you’re lucky, one of you likes to cook and the other likes to clean, but… let’s be real… who likes to clean?? So there will be compromise and you will have to respect each other’s boundaries and sensibilities. If Suzie does the laundry and opts not to fold your underwear, but you hate wrinkled underwear, maybe that’s a place you can give a little. And, Suzie, if Herb has never, ever, in his entire life, wiped down the shower door when he was done with his shower, but it’s a deal breaker for you now that he “has time,” is it really a deal breaker, or can you learn to live with a few spots on your door? And just because you knew the best way to manage everything at work, trying to supervise the household work that the other is doing may not be the best idea. That rarely ends well. Figure out your new roles. Then, stay out of their way and let them manage it! These can be tricky conversations, but having them and living by them can make all the difference!
Have a date night - or LOTS of them!
You’re effectively starting over, here, in many ways - establishing norms and lifestyle and spending patterns and everything else that you’ve taken for granted for the last umpteen years. Why not make it fun? Go out on dates with your partner. Woo them. Show them how much fun you are and how reliable and what a good partner you will be for them. Discuss your desires and theirs, just like you did in the vague past when you first met. And be flexible like you were then! They’re a great catch! Catch them again, if you can!
So, break out that roadmap and fill it in. Put some time on the schedule, or even some date nights, to discuss your retirement vision, financial plans, social life and even the chore chart. Revisit it as many times as you need to as you come to agreement on compromises and start to revel in each other’s thoughts about the good life! If you manage this change it could be the springboard to growing together in the Third Act, rather than the crack that splits you apart.