Focus on Connections: Guys need friends, too.
Tools, tips and tricks for finding friendship after retirement
Photo by Connor Olson on Unsplash
I hope this newsletter won’t seem… sexist. But I feel like I might be talking mostly to the guys, here. If you’re a guy and this isn’t you, forgive me. And, if you’re a woman and this is you, listen up! Change Hazel’s name to Henry (or don’t) and pretend I didn’t blow it by assigning gender roles.
Between you and me (and Hazel)
Hi there. You’ve probably noticed we talk a lot about “connections” and friendship and social interaction in this newsletter, and that might make you a little uncomfortable. I can understand that. After all, most of your “connections” are made around the water cooler or, better yet, as a network connection made on the golf course that could pay dividends later. Social interactions and friends may come down to one or two guys you know that go for drinks once in awhile. As a guy I know recently told me, “if a friend “connects” with me more than once a week, that guy is kind of clingy.”
Here’s the thing, though… once the networking has paid it’s last dividend and the water cooler is in your own kitchen, in other words once you retire, you’re going to want to have someone to talk with. Now, your wife, Hazel, BOY can she talk! Am I right? Seems like the perfect answer! You’ve got a built in “connection” right there in your own home to take the place of your work interactions, your clients, your working golf meetings and dinners out at the conventions. You’ll talk all the time!
At this point, you might want to check in with Hazel. She may talk up a storm with her girlfriends, and she may be under the impression that that will continue. Furthermore she may well be very happy with that level of social interaction and not need much more. She certainly is in no position to take the place of all of your employees, clients, mentors, colleagues and people that call to inquire about your business. Of course, she’ll be happy to continue saying “good night” before she gives you a kiss and turns off the light, but if you expect her to be all other social interactions you get during the day, you may be in for a surprise.
Here’s the good news! You have time before you retire to figure this out. If once/week is too clingy, then make it once every other week, but for goodness sake find some people to connect with! And start now, while you still see people every day that you can invite to these things. It will be much harder after you leave the workforce and lose touch with folks you know well now. Hazel will thank you. Take my word for it!
But I like being a lone wolf
If you think this stuff doesn’t apply to you, think again. A survey, conducted by the health insurer Cigna found that loneliness has the same impact on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, making it even more dangerous than obesity! That’s for EVERYONE - guys, women, introverts, extroverts, CEOs, farmers and even that weird cat lady down the street. EVERYONE. Not everyone needs the same level of social interaction, so if you don’t need to hang out with someone every day, don’t, but everyone needs social connections. If you think about it, it makes sense. As mammals, we’ve always needed each other to survive. No other folks around meant you had to stay up 24 hours a day or get eaten by a Wooly Mammoth. Not a nice prospect. So, Hazel is going to be some help, but you need Stan and George, too, or you’ll be eaten by a Wooly Mammoth. Yikes! Get connected!
Here are some real life examples, to get you started.
We had a “salsa and suds” happy hour going with some friends at one point. Each week, someone would bring a salsa (it could be homemade or store bought, but it couldn’t be a national brand like Pace.) and a beer to pair with it. People got really creative! We tried everything from pico de gallo with Modelo to peach mango salsa with Guiness. It turned out that the hotter the salsa, the more bitter the beer that went with it. Anyway, it was a great fun, a great shared learning experience and a great source of conversations for years after. The trick is to organize it. Um… that’s on you, guy!
Someone I know shared with me the other day that he’d like to learn to fish. He has a friend that is a real fisherman and he’s decided he’d like to learn from that friend. Well… if the friend is a real fisherman, there’s nothing that guy would like more than to teach his craft! What a great connection to make! Learning and teaching, giving and taking, is the stuff of connecting! Part of the learning experience, obviously, has to be several fishing trips, which can easily turn into a tradition. Maybe they even up the ante every once in awhile and do some big trip to Alaska or some damn thing. Or, maybe now that he knows how to fish, he can find other buddies to teach and they can check out all of the waterways in their neck of the woods. Lots of ways to go with this one! But, the trick is, again, to get it organized. Guess who has to do that?
This is one of my favorites, and I wish I could find the link to the story where I found it, but I can’t. I’ll keep looking and include it in a later newsletter if I do find it. A group of guys got together and rented an old barn. They brought their power tools and workbenches and car jacks and air compressors and whatever else they had in their garages that they always wanted to use but never got around to it. And some neon signs. Gotta have the neon signs. And they all got to work on some project. It didn’t matter what the project was, they all started in on something. If they didn’t have the right tools for the job, probably someone else did. At first, they determined that Thursday nights were when they’d all gather at the barn. After awhile, though, there was someone there most of the time. They got stuff done. They were productive. They were a little competitive, with restoring cars and building furniture. But, most of all, they were connecting. People came and went in their little “club” but a core of them stayed, and even those that came and went shared a bond. Great stuff in the Third Act!
All of this too much? Just start a simple poker game. People love poker! Gets them out of the house. Gives them a way to flex their competitive muscles. Gives them an excuse to eat chips. Good stuff, my friend!
Um… this is not a “tomorrow” thing
So, what is your idea for connection? Write it down. Step by step, how do you make it happen? Get serious about it. Or get eaten by a Wooly Mammoth.
Connections, man! They’re the stuff of life!
Actions to Build Confidence
Tiny: Write a list of things you like to do with other people and a list of at least two other people to do them with
Bold: Call a buddy or a colleague. Invite them to lunch or out for some drinks.
Audacious: Start a get together - a monthly poker game, a weekly happy hour, a biking group, even a Sunday dinner with the extended family every week is a great way to connect!
More Reading
Can’t get enough? Here are some more resources to help you find your connections
I admit there is a cringe factor in some of these, but here’s a list of possible activities to try if you’re at a loss.
If you’re still not convinced that loneliness is a problem (let’s just admit it; you haven’t seen a Wooly Mammoth in YEARS), check out this sobering list of stats about the health risk.