This Week's Focus: Connections - Couple's Edition!
Tools, tips and tricks for you and your significant other in retirement
Will You Visit Old Herb in Vietnam?
Talk with your partner about your plans!
So, you’re starting to get the hang of planning this Third Act thing. It’s kinda fun. You’ve surfed the web and searched your soul and you have a vision forming of what your story will be. You know where you will live who will be part of your act (friends and family, and don’t forget the 5 cats) and you’ve got the basic idea of how you’ll keep your social scene active and how you’ll live your purpose. Excellent!
Now, remember that guy that’s there for better or worse? Oh, yeah. Old Herb. I wonder how he’s going to like the fact that you and Sally are going to open a beauty shop in his study? Well! Not to worry! Old Herb has no intention of using that study. He has done his Third Act homework, too. And, he’s decided he’d be more financially comfortable living in Vietnam. Not to mention the fact that it’s got so much culture and adventure, it’s sure to bring him the exciting life he’s always wanted for his Third Act!
Hmmm… We have a problem, don’t we? Unless Sally is moving to Vietnam with you to open that beauty shop, you and Old Herb may have to have a talk.
The fact is that this Third Act is a change. And change, in any institution, including marriage, must be managed or it can really break things. Even subtle differences in expectations may be the crack that splits things wide open. Please, well before your curtain goes up on your Third Act, talk with Old Herb. Probably at least 3 years out, you guys need to compare notes – and do it in some detail.
Start with your vision of your dream retirement
Did you get the 5 year roadmap I sent earlier this week? If not you can reply to this email and I’ll send it to you. Once you have it, break it out and actually fill it in. BOTH you and your significant other should do this exercise. Work especially on the vision, but fill in all of the other areas as well. My recommendation is that each of you fill in your milestones separately first. That way everyone gets an equal voice when you compare notes. When both of you have your vision and your roadmap done, get together and compare notes. Set aside time more than once to look things over and discuss them - probably at least a week or two apart. You probably won’t be completely Sympatico when you first show each other your roadmaps. You’ll need some time to think about what the other person’s expectations are and start seeing if you can work some of that into your vision, too. Now is the time to start talking about compromise, and the time to get excited about the great adventures each of you envisions! There can and should be places where you go one way and Herb goes another. You don’t have to have the same hobbies, for instance, or the even the same travel plans if you like solo travel or travel with friends. But if you want a mansion in Alabama and he wants a hut in Vietnam, you’ll probably have a few things to discuss.
Discuss your Financials
Based on your vision, and Herb’s, what does the budget look like? Will you have to scrimp some places so you can splurge in others? Are you in agreement where your splurge budget will be? Or will you each need a little mad money to make your dreams come true? If you’re coming in for a landing in retirement, your risk tolerance may change for your portfolio investments. If Herb’s always been a risk taker and you’re the conservative one (or vice versa) have that conversation now. Is one of you comfortable carrying debt into retirement but it freaks the other one out? There’s a topic for you to discuss! On top of ALL of that, there are multiple strategies on when and how to file for Social Security as a married couple. Are you guys on the same page? Financial planners can be super helpful when it comes to these conversations if they are too emotional to have on your own.
Discuss your social life
You’ve had a great circle of friends for years. You go to coffee with them and attend their children’s baby showers and Wine Wednesday with them has been a life saver for you more than once. How about Herb? Has his circle of friends mostly been colleagues and employees? Is he expecting to be part of your Wine Wednesday in retirement? Or is he just expecting you to skip all of that because now he’s able to grace you with his presence? How about you, Herb? Are you anticipating hours of golf and reading and just hanging out in the backyard? Is your significant other hoping for date nights and long walks together now that you guys are both available for that kind of thing? Oh! I bet you never contemplated this, but, does she want to come fishing with you? Yikes! Discuss how you will spend your social time. It’s awesome that you will have more time for each other, but, yes, there is such thing as too much time and that threshold may be different for each of you. It can also help if you establish a “territory” within your home for each of you - a man/woman cave, if you will. That way, when it gets to be too much, there is a retreat available.
Air out the drudgery
This won’t be a fun conversation, but it could make or break that divorce lawyer’s year. Now that you’re both home full time, who does the dishes? This can be especially hard if one of you retired first and picked up a lot of the household chores. If you’re lucky, one of you likes to cook and the other likes to clean, but… let’s be real… who likes to clean?? So there will be compromise and you will have to respect each other’s boundaries and sensibilities. If Suzie does the laundry and opts not to fold your underwear, but you hate wrinkled underwear, maybe that’s a place you can give a little. And if Herb has never, ever, in his entire life, wiped down the shower door when he was done with his shower, but it’s a deal breaker for you, give him some time to establish the habit before you fly off the handle or head off to the lawyer’s office.
Establish Roles
One of you may be better with the finances than the other. Great! Establish the rules and then let that person manage it, but then the other one can manage grocery shopping, or vacation planning or something else that they are good at. Figure out your new roles. Then, stay out of their way and let them manage it! You need to know the outcome. You don’t need to know the process. These can be tricky conversations, but having them and living by them can make all the difference!
So, break out that roadmap and fill it in. Put some time on the schedule to discuss your retirement vision, financial plans, social life and even the chore chart. Revisit it as many times as you need to as you come to agreement on compromises and start to revel in each other’s thoughts about the good life! If you manage this change it could be the springboard to growing together in the Third Act, rather than the crack that splits you apart.
Actions to Build Confidence
Tiny: Talk about your retirement plans with your significant other over dinner.
Bold: Fill in your roadmap and set aside some time to discuss it with your significant other.
Audacious: Set up time to talk with a Financial Planner and an Estate Planner and maybe even a space planner (for your cave) about your strategies as a couple when you retire.
More Reading
Can’t get enough? Here are some more resources to help you grow together as a couple in retirement.
This article will help you understand your options with Social Security as a married couple. Read this before you talk with your Financial Planner.
This author goes into some of the emotional aspects of retirement as a couple, including how to deal with irksome behavior. :-)
Finding it hard to reconnect with your significant other after a long career kept you apart? Here’s a list of hobbies couples can do together.
Time to think about your estate plan? Here are some strategies for married couples.
Next Week’s Focus: Financial
Budget is only a 4 letter word in Kinyarwanda (Seriously. It’s bije.)
Don’t forget to forward this to a friend!