Focus: Connections - 'Tis The Season

Tools, tips and tricks to make connections fun this holiday season

Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash

Connections are good for your health and they help you live a longer, more productive life. Let’s recap. We have learned that connections help combat inflammation, giving your heart and your organs a break and helping you live longer. We have learned that connections help grow your brain, reducing your risk of dementia. And we’ve learned that, as mammals, we’ve evolved to live in a tribe or be eaten by a wooly mammoth. Nobody wants to be eaten by a wooly mammoth. So, hopefully I’ve convinced you of the importance of connections.

This time of year connections can be a source of great joy, great pain, or both. But you know you need them, so buck up and let’s get after some tips and tricks to make connecting more fun this holiday season.

5 Great Ways to Make Connecting More Fun

Lower the bar!

The first one may seem counterintuitive, but we often have expectations of the holidays that are all Norman Rockwell. Face it. Your situation is not Norman Rockwell. Notice that I said that to EVERYBODY reading this. Norman may be out there among my readers, but I doubt it. In reality, even Norman Rockwell probably wasn’t Norman Rockwell. But guess what? People all over the globe have wonderful holiday seasons - mostly because they choose to enjoy the people in their lives, not the people in Norman’s paintings.

What traditions are especially fulfilling for you? Focus on those. My son and I like to watch The Polar Express in IMAX 3D. He’s 21 years old. He still looks forward to that experience (and so do I) because he chooses to, not because his friends would think it’s especially cool.

What thoughtful thing can you do for that friend who hasn’t done anything thoughtful for you this holiday season - you know, except be your friend and help you combat aging, which is a LOT!

Is there a neighbor who just moved to the neighborhood, or who doesn’t seem to have a lot of visitors? How about inviting them over for a nice hot cider by the fire? If somebody didn’t know you, but stuck their head in the door and took a picture of you having that cider by the fire - BOOM looks like Norman Rockwell, doesn’t it?

Don’t worry if people aren’t inviting you to the Biltmore for the Christmas soiree or even out to lunch. Choose to enjoy what you do have. Lower the expectations, my friends. Wonderful connected holidays can be yours.

Find some cheer

You can combat loneliness and find connections even if the connections aren’t deep and life changing. You still get a hormone boost even if you connect with a stranger, or a dog, for that matter. Yeah, you don’t want all of your social life to be strangers and dogs, but if you want to “up” your game for the holidays there are lots of ways to find a little extra cheer.

Make a game of finding all of the Christmas tree lightings in your area and go. Nobody will know if you are there by yourself or with all of those people standing next to you. SING your heart out! If nobody is there that you know, who will know if you can’t carry a tune? All of that singing and lighting and laughter will seep into your bones. I promise.

Do you like pets and want to make some connections? Volunteer at a shelter and send as many pets to their forever homes for the pawlidays as you can. Watching the dogs and cats walk out with a smile will warm your heart, too.

Is there a charity that needs help wrapping presents or filling stockings? Festivities feel festive and working toward a common cause with the people around you is connecting.

Make some cheer

Are you bummed because everybody else seems to be enjoying their friends and families this time of year, but yours are distant or distracted? Remember that whole “Norman Rockwell” thing? What you are seeing in others is probably an illusion. But you can make your own reality and it can be pretty great! The people that are the most connected over the holidays are the ones that DO the connecting.

Hate writing Christmas cards? Me, too! But writing a nice, heartfelt email to a close friend or two is much more fun and much more connecting for me. It’s true that my college roommate or the bride’s maid from my niece’s first wedding won’t hear from me, but a more important connection was made and a wooly mammoth was sent packing. (And, don’t worry if they don’t return the favor!! The connection was made, my friend, and you’ll live longer because of it.)

If family gatherings are tough, try “coping ahead.” Write down one thing that you are grateful for for each of your family members that will be there. I know. This can be difficult. But do it - even if it’s just that you like the fact that they often stay in a different room from you when you get together. When they irk you (and they will) recall that one thing. Even tell them about that one thing if it’s not insulting. Repeat it over and over again to yourself. At the end of the evening, those hormones will make that encounter feel much better.

Invite people over. Have an ugly sweater contest or a loudest singer contest. Share stories about favorite holiday memories or worst holiday memories. Play poker or board games. Decorate Christmas cookies. This year, we’re inviting a family friend over for an appetizer cook-off. It doesn’t matter what you do. People are looking for connection this time of year. Give them what they crave and grow your brain while you’re at it!

Quit comparing

If all of this made you say “yeah, Jeri, but my stupid tradition of putting a Santa hat on my dog and walking through the neighborhood giving out candy canes isn’t nearly as cool as the huge holiday parties and perfect family gatherings everybody else is having.” First of all, you dress up your dog and give out candy canes? HOW COOL ARE YOU!! Secondly, what everybody else is doing clearly wouldn’t work for you. The only thing that is important is that you find a way to feel connected. Many, if not most, people are not having the holiday you think they are. They would be thrilled to have the holiday you are having and just find something that makes them feel connected. Get off social media. Quit watching the holiday specials (except The Grinch. Everybody should watch The Grinch.). Ignore all of the cars at your neighbor’s house. Reflect on what gives you the hormone boost and enjoy that!

Go easy on yourself

OK, so you put the hat on the dog, wrapped 400 Christmas presents for the Salvation Army, repeated that your cousin has nice teeth over and over again and sang Silent Night with strangers and you still feel lonely. It happens. Go easy on yourself! YOU ARE NOT ALONE in feeling lonely this time of year. I kinda like this quote that I found. “The brain sometimes tells us that no one cares. This isn’t true, but a lonely mind is a scared mind, and a scared mind often dreams up the worst case scenario. Loneliness is a feeling, not a fact.” – Deedee Cummings, Founder of Abi Behavioral Health. The fact is that you are not alone, but the feeling can still hang there. Hang with it. Try to make friends with it. Know that the holidays will be over in a few weeks. Oh, and watch The Grinch.

Connections, man, they’re the stuff of life! They combat a world of suffering and decay. But they are not Norman Rockwell paintings. They’re messy and weird and unique, just like your Third Act.

Happy Holiday Season, everyone!